Changing Heart

Change.

Some of us love it, some us fear it. All of us experience it.

Throughout life, changes occur. Some that you are prepared for, and some that come out of left field, some you aspire for and enriches your life, and some that feel like they are tearing you apart.

Two and half years ago I had MANY changes take place in my life

1. I graduated college
2. I moved to Charleston away from the only place I’ve ever known
3. I moved in with my husband who beforehand, we were in a long distance relationship for six years
4. I started my first year teaching
5. I decided to change my eating habits and lose weight
6. I gained and lost friends
7. I was thrown into adult life without being the least bit prepared for it.

Through all that, in a course of six months, my anxiety went up and down. Later I realized that I actually struggle with anxiety. (More on that later)

Although I am typically a person who enjoys change and find it exciting, I realized very quickly that I was in a totally different world.

Childhood was over.

When that realization hit me it was like someone dropped a ton of bricks into my lap and said “Here, build your life.”

Having no idea the correct way to “construct” this life, I did what most of us do.

I winged it.

After about a year I realized, “Hey, I’m okay at this adulting stuff, I’m actually holding it together.”

Then it got hard.

My relationships with friends, family, and my husband changed. I started hating my job, anxiety was controlling my mind, and I felt so out of control.

Although I was kicking ass with weight loss, eating, and running, deep down everything else wasn’t all put together.

Everyone tells me that your twenties is when you find yourself. I’m starting to really believe this.

I sought guidance from close personal friends who know me sometimes more than I know myself. I listened to professionals, and elders who had been here. I realized that my “lifestyle” change of weight loss and dieting wasn’t the only thing that was changing, everything about me was changing.

The sadness I felt inside and this fear that I felt when I noticed everything was changing was actually me holding on to the past fearful of the future.

You see, forever I have cared what others thought of me. I cared how people perceive me. So much so, that I conformed to what the people around me expected me to be.

However, all these changes and what I wanted to do with my life wasn’t going to sit well with a lot of close friends and family. What I realized is that worry of others thoughts kept me from living deeply. Living a life of freedom.

I realized that I didn’t have to fit into the mold everyone wanted me to fit into. I don’t have to be that Conservative Christian, Southern Bell, and good little wife everyone thought I needed to be. There isn’t anything wrong with being that person. It’s just not me, it’s not who I want to be.

 

I’m obnoxiously talkative,

I’m active and full of energy,

I’m liberal,

I am a feminist and a wife,

I have a voice,

I’m sometimes very passive and other times very assertive,

I cuss,

I show skin,

I wear my emotions on my face,

I’m strong,

I’m dedicated,

I like plans but enjoy spontaneity,  

I refuse to be mediocre and want to be creative,

I’m tired of pretending everything is okay and putting a smile on my face,

I like to have a drink with close friends and dance my ass off at a club,

I want to be a mother some day but not for a very long time,

I enjoy deep personal conversations with friends,

I love music festivals where people express themselves in costumes,

I love the teachings of Buddhism although I don’t call myself a buddhist,

I love social media,

I love teaching people and touching their hearts,

I love helping others,

I love writing about my experiences .

This change that I went through led me to this self discovery stage in life. Although I can’t fully say I’ve “found myself” just yet, I feel so much more free and liberated by accepting these qualities of myself that not everyone agrees with, but I’m content to know that this is me.

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

I am Wrenn. Take it or leave it. Love me or hate me. I am me.

I say all this and show this vulnerability because I think it needs to be said. If you’re like me, you might be trying to fit into a mold that maybe even your parents want you to be in. Just be you. Forget about what others might say. In the long run, you have to find your passion and your love to fully embrace the person that you are. Attempting to fit into a mold you don’t belong in can lead to a life of regrets and heartache. True friends and family will stick by you no matter what changes you make. Believe me, I had to learn THAT hard truth. So…

If you wanna lose 40 lbs but people don’t think you can, show them.

If you want to become vegan even though your whole family are southern cookers, be vegan.

If you want to up and move across the country for your dream job, do it.

If you want to live in a tiny house, live in a tiny house.

If you want to travel the world on your own, travel the world!

If you want to become a yoga instructor and quit your job, be a yoga instructor.

If you want to join the Army even though no one thought you would, show them how bad ass you are.

If you want to quit your job and become a personal trainer even though you aren’t sure how to start your career, do it and learn along the way.

If you want to quit your job and change careers and become a registered dietitian, become that dietitian.

Don’t live in fear of  what everyone else wants you to be. Don’t fear change because it’s uncomfortable and people may critic you. Be you, do you.

I still have a long way to go in self discovery. I write this because honestly, I needed to hear this. I also fully understand that although all those qualities describe me now, I may be different in the future and I’m okay with that. It’s all about accepting yourself as you are in this current moment.

I hope this helps some of you who struggle with “fitting the molds.” I am no different than a lot of you reading. I can’t at all claim that I have it all figured out, I just love to express myself by talking, writing, and connecting with others.

Do what you love, be who you are, and don’t you dare let anyone tell you who to be.

Much love,
Wrenn

**Special thanks to my husband, who no matter what, has NEVER asked me to be something I’m not. Who agrees with my feminist values and respects my stance on them. Who has actually challenged me on many former believes of mine and helped me come to terms with them. Who loves every version of myself and continues to grow with me. We disagree on a few things but overall we are pretty united in our beliefs. Thank you babe. You are my rock!

**Also my girls, who every day inspire and challenge me to be my whole authentic self by their words and their actions. You know who you are ☺️

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